Monday, August 20, 2018

“You are the only person who can build emotional barriers, but you’re also the only person who can topple them. Other people can’t knock down the walls you’ve built, no matter how much they love you. You have to tear them down yourself because there’s something worth seeing on the other side.”

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

I was never the type to leave things to the supernatural. It was either I do it or I do not.

I was never the type to ask for specific signs from the Heavens. It was either happening or not.

I was never the type to confuse things to be done. It was either go or no.

There was rarely an in between, gray area, blur. But now, that’s exactly where I am—in between, gray area, blur. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know. At least not verbally. At least not on paper.

I had no other way of knowing if it was me you were dropping hints for besides swallowing my pride and asking directly, but I couldn’t. I was on the verge of giving up last week. Twice, actually.

Once when I was walking to school, and it’s been days since you’ve come home, and you hasn’t called or anything. I thought you didn’t really care and you weren’t a man of your words, so I wanted to call it off. “Moving On Day 1,” I whispered to myself. That same night, I came home with a “gift” from you. Why? I didn’t bother ask. I just said thanks.

Second time was when there was an event at school, live concert of local bands and artists, and I was in class for three hours trying not to zone out because it was the subject I couldn’t really miss. After class, I went to the crowd leaving my roommate behind. I told her I wanted to get close to Moira, but that was only partly true ‘cause partly I was searching for you.

Two songs after, my claustrophobia appeared. And in that same moment, I’ve almost given up thinking, “What are the odds I’d see you here? There are way too many people, and it’s quite dark.” A picture of you in a cap even slipped my mind, but I’ve sort of accepted the fate and was ready to go home.

All I wanted then was to hear Tagpuan live. So I went back to where I left my roommate and we stood at the back, I was right where the spotlight was pointed. And then a silhouette image was about to pass, I couldn’t hear Moira nor the crowd, it was all silent. I squinted in the attempt to see the face, then the person waved at me. Or was it me he waved to?

“Trish, hello!” as you walked near me. It was you with your cap on. It was the sign I asked for.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

“Just try it, one more time. Beg me to bring down my walls, to surrender my guard. Then step inside my heart and make a home out of it. Ask me to never let you leave. Make memories to decorate the empty space. Write your name in the silence between gentle whispers. Offer your sturdy hands to hold and arms to rest in. Make me feel like you’d never let any of it go for anything. Then fill me with fumes and strike a match. Watch it all go up in flames. Slit the backs of my hands and rub salt and ash into the wounds. Tell me it’s for my own good. Try to cover up the remnants of red and black as if it never happened. Then ask me, one more time, if I’ll be ok without you. I dare you.”