Monday, December 18, 2017

I’m scared.

I always have been.

But this time, I can’t find an honest excuse why I would run away from it again.

I was certain it is just about time for me to try legit, live dating. Although I’ve thrown shallow alibis, mainly that I would like to focus more on graduate studies than date some school boy I don’t even know. But at the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to try. For the first time in 23 years, I was willing to give myself a shot at love (I’m rolling my eyes as I type this).

Two weeks ago, I saw you. In person. Live. We walked past each other in one of the school building hallways, and I instantly recognized you in your white long sleeves and black slacks. You are so much taller than I expected. And I told myself, “Ok, so this person really exists.” For a moment, I forgot you are two years younger than I am (I still haven’t wholly accepted this fact that I want to gag now).

Last week, we met unofficially. But we met nonetheless. I was so ready for it, but my friend got all nervous for formal introductions, and we missed the chance. At least, I hope, maybe we’ll still get another next year.

Of course, here’s the catch: After interweaving a few things I learned about you and having a few exchanges of text message, I start to want to withdraw from all this. The ultimate plot twist has nothing to do with it, but the fear creeps in and it hasn’t left since I realized how much of a good person you are. My friends virtually slapped me for telling them I don’t wanna push through with it anymore, saying, “This is it. This is someone you deserve.”

But how about what you deserve?

I’m scared.

As I always have been, but this time, I’m not scared that I might get hurt. I’m scared that you might be the one whose heart might break into pieces. And I don’t wanna be the reason for that.

I still want to try, but I’m scared. I’m scared, but I can’t find an honest excuse why I would run away from it again.

It’s a whole lot easier said than done, but I kinda don’t want to think later that in a parallel universe, maybe you could be mine if we can do it here in this lifetime.