Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Amazing how feelings can change in a blink of an eye. One second, I was happy waking up from a pleasant dream; and the next thing I know is I’m Googling how to know if you’re jealous.

I’ve had enough rough year for me to keep going like this. Besides, I thought that everyone at one point, despite his or her excellence in hiding and ignoring feelings, just explodes. You know, when everything’s poured and one is just too stuffed to take more?

So I just had the entire night yesterday talk to one of my friends whom I’ve always trusted since we first met. In short, it felt great after releasing a year-long burden I’ve been carrying. Although he just sort of laughed at me, he still gave the straightforward honest pieces of advice. Not to mention he also had my paper checked even after I’ve passed it.

Then he appeared in my dream again after the other night. It was good in the sense that in my waking life, what happened in my dream is kind of my inner desire. Like, to be honest, I want it to happen in reality.

Because of my intriguity, I found things that made me, er, jealous. And that’s when I realize how much of my dreams lately reflect the thoughts and feelings I actually have that I might have repressed at some point. Perhaps I’ve tried long enough for me to finally accept it’s not okay.

It’s not okay with me that the bestest guy friend I’ve ever had has a new bestfriend he gets to spend his everyday with—which used to be mine. But I couldn’t blame him, I was the one who left. Despite that, however, it’s not really distance that drove us apart but the disagreement and time in the last year I had at school.

Then it seems our friendship wasn’t even half the closeness he has with his new bestfriend. I’m not sure but once I got to the first place and goes down to the second, I’d rather be not on the list and find somewhere else I can be on the top most. The thought of being replaced creeps in my nerves and tangles my veins that I just couldn’t take it.

I miss my bestfriend, and that’s all where it would ever be. I’m still thankful for last night, though, and the rest of the years we had together.