1:33 AM

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Let’s face it: It’s never going to be easy. It will totally be difficult.

What else do I need to prove? Haven’t I gone through enough to stop all this?

I’ve gone too far already. I’ve done too much as early as this. And I am already tired.

I am tired of having to wait at least ten minutes before I reply to your message that says nothing really important. I am tired of having to answer your call after four rings. I am tired of suppressing the urge to message you first when you leave for three days. I am tired of taking a trip down the Memory Lane just because I had shrimp for lunch, and I remembered it’s my favorite and you’re allergic to it. I am tired of suffering the resentment I have against your past, present and future I can never have, against that one place in your heart I can never own (alone).

I am so tired of justifying myself to not say the goodbye that’s long overdue. I am so tired of upholding the assumption that you might still need me despite the fact that there are a thousand other people who’s willing to do just as much.

Mostly, I am so tired having second thoughts leading to giving myself the grounds that there might actually be a tincture of hope that might reignite the flame that has been vaporized.

And then I just realized there’s a downside of being determined—not wanting to give up something that’s super wanted. I kind of abhor myself for that now that my brain (or heart?) cannot process such decision I’m finding it hard to implement my plan.

It’s been a month or two, and I still haven’t really put a lid on my feelings. I have to do it today because if I don’t, I might never do at all. It’s going to be really hard, but I just have to restrain it all from now on. It will take all efforts possible to muffle these hang-ups, and put them in a box and seal it.